This article on resentment does a great job of articulating something I’ve been realizing – that I often get all offended and pissed off and resentful towards people because I feel hurt – and that hurt wants validation and confirmation – and I’m mad because no one is giving it to me – when I could just give it to myself.
I bring this up here because I find myself in inner contention with other mothers – often. Sometimes, it’s just that you’re having one of those Annoying Playground Conversations that’s all about compare and contrast – and no matter how relaxed you are, someone else is more so; or maybe you’re too relaxed, and everyone else is hypersensitive and overqualified – but whatever the mix, you are finding that, as a parent and a person, you don’t measure up, you don’t bond, you don’t make the grade – and this is just because no one is really an expert, we’re all just tossing out stories and examples and anecdotes, tripping up over each other’s anxieties and phobias and fears… often coming across as caustic and critical. (A lot like some of our moms…)
There’s a few people in particular who tend to put me down or trounce any positive effort I put forth, and I find myself grinding my teeth in bitterness, feeling frustrated that I can’t just scream out my victimhood and get some kind of justice or relief.
That angry reaction feels more like a “strong” one than the more realistic version, which includes acknowledging how lonely it can be sometimes to be a human being.
I should be posting pictures of pumpkins or ranting about the lack of cool Halloween music at the downtown mall festivities last Saturday (why were they playing “hey baby” music???), but instead, I feel more like unmasking my ghouls, not parading around in the various costumes I hide behind to protect myself from the pain of living.
And that’s some scary stuff sometimes…